


Who I Was Before

by entwinedloop



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Dark Character, F/M, Love/Hate, Non-Consensual Touching, Pining, Romance, Sexual Content, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-02-23 15:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13193058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/entwinedloop/pseuds/entwinedloop
Summary: Kai’s struggling to cope with his humanity and whatever it is that he’s feeling for Bonnie. In the meantime he tries to get close to her the only way she’ll accept – battling her. Post 6X22.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N
> 
> All right, so maybe I’m the one trying to cope with the &#$*&$ aftermath of 6X22.
> 
> Crossposted with fanfiction.net.
> 
> Warnings: Kai has some dark moments here. Some violence, gore, and blood. Some sexual content/non-con.

“Bonnie. It’s been too long since we did this.”

Bonnie motused Kai against the wall. He felt the pain numb his back for a moment before it echoed through the rest of his body. He quickly shot a discarded drawer in Bonnie’s direction. Bonnie moved her hand and it crushed noisily into a flurry of wooden pieces.

“That was good. Where’d you learn that?” He asked.

“Been practicing.” She said and shot a jolt that made the pain he felt a few seconds ago burn even better. He marveled in this new pain and snapped his fingers. Bonnie fell, clutching her ankle. Yeah, he still loved hearing bones snap.

They’ve been meeting up like this, often in alley ways or deserted streets away from traffic of cars or people, for a couple of months since the sleeping spell. Usually he sought her out. He’d find her out on a walk. He knew that she purposefully chose to go off on her own because she didn’t seem too surprised when he’d stop her. A few times she found him when he was on the hunt. 

He was confident that he was stronger than her with the magic he accumulated since escaping from prison world. And now he could make his own magic. But he could see each time she fought him that she was indeed practicing. Over time she was slipping in new attack spells and her old ones were getting sharper. But though she had been quiet the last two times he saw her, something tonight was off. He didn’t know what it was. It was more than her barely speaking, leaving him to quip at her. The best way he could put it was that she wasn’t having fun.

“Found someone to teach you?” Kai asked, lifting her in the air and slamming her on her injured foot. A few seconds later he felt himself flipped in the air and fall hard on his back. Man. He’d much rather she’d get him on his back another way but she wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t like thinking these thoughts. Not because nothing good would come from it. He was pretty sure it’d be a relief. A release. But communicating with her through pain felt easy. Her face, filled with hostility and even disgust, that was familiar and safe. 

Though she didn’t talk a whole lot during their hangouts, did she? Tonight he needed to drag responses out of her. But her spells always spoke for her mood. Shooting aneurysms and breaking bones when she wanted to cut deep. Turning objects near him on fire, or shooting flames at him when she wanted to show off more than anything else. A few times fireworks practically came out of the alleyway where they were fighting, sending unwanted guests to come by and Bonnie taking the moment to run to the crowd, throwing a barrier against him with what he was sure was the last of her magic. He could’ve easily enough have followed her but he didn’t feel like dealing with an audience.

He still had thoughts about killing her and he knew that if he let that part take the reins too far he’d maybe do that. But he’d have a way out now. She could lust for blood like him. But though the idea excited a part of him he didn’t want that. He wanted her to choose him as a human. Choose him for what, who knew. He kept having these thoughts. He thought turning into a vampire would cure him of any parts of humanity that existed whether before or after they were threaded out through merge. Maybe he knew what he wanted from Bonnie but didn’t want to think about it.

“Losing your touch.” Kai asked still lying on the ground. He jumped up and shook his arms off. He muttered a few words and Bonnie knelt down, holding onto invisible fingers at her throat. “Those were good tries just now. But still usually you can hold me off better than that.”

Bonnie threw her hand in the air and two pieces of slab wood whacked against Kai hard, one on his back and another on his front. 

“That must be since I can’t get rid of you.” Bonnie spouted venom at him.

He knows. “Bon, you flirt. Tell me again.” He said and as the words came out he remembered what he told a different woman earlier that night. 

He had picked the tall brunette from outside a theater. He was still working himself up to find a woman when she made eye contact with him and his search came to a stop. He was relieved he didn’t have to go on a hunt for long because even though it was overdue he wasn’t fully in the mood. But it was getting too loud in his head. Too many voices, some dissenting on the part of his mind that he put aside for Bonnie. The woman he met was wearing long boots. He loved that look. How’d Bonnie look in them?

“Tell me,” he told the woman later when they were in her living room. She (what was her name? He barely remembered. Tina? Yeah probably Tina) had convinced him to come back to her place. Kai sucked and tugged on her earlobe, one hand entangled in her hair, all the time imagining he was breathing in someone else.

“No!” She cried out and pushed him away. Goosebumps formed on Kai’s skin as he anticipated her next words.

“Never. I will never trust you or enjoy your company for just one moment.”

“Yeah?” Kai asks. The woman’s eyes were glazed over. It took him out of the moment. It was getting harder and harder to stay wrapped up in roleplay when he noticed this happening.

The woman nodded. “So quit try-- oh!” She moaned into his ears as he kissed her neck, closing his eyes as he ran his tongue over her skin. 

“You want this?” His eyes still closed, he slipped a hand under her shirt.

“No.” The woman moaned. 

It was better when he kept his eyes closed. Easier to pretend.

“You don’t sound like you want me to stop.” Kai said.

“I’d rather-” She gasped. “I’d rather get cholera than spend- Oh!”

Kai laughed at that line. It sounded out of place in this context. But hearing moans and feeling her respond to him turned him on at all the right places.

“You don’t like this?” Kai asks, and he held the woman’s chin in one hand and caressed the woman’s stomach with the back of his hand. The woman shook her head.

“You don’t trust me?” He asked.

“No.”

“But you still want this?” 

“Uh.” The woman murmured.

“Tell me.”

“Yes… Yes!”

Kai’s mind returned to the scene with Bonnie. His momentary lapse meant she got the chance to singe his hands. Caught in surprise, he groaned.

“Take it out Bonnie. See what it feels like.” 

“Don’t compare me to you.” Bonnie said and his neck cracked. He hated when she did that. It was just close enough not to take him out. Though sometimes she ended their encounters by snapping his neck he sensed that this time she was bating him. For the first time that night he felt overwhelmed by adrenaline and something else he couldn’t explain but he knew he wanted more of. So much more even if it would take him over.

Maybe the problem with Tina was that she barely reminded him of Bonnie. But even with women that looked like Bonnie it didn’t matter. It was sometimes even less satisfying then. He couldn’t fool his body about what he was craving. All right, who he was craving. At first compelling women to play Bonnie’s part excited him. But when it came to actually doing something physical with a compelled woman the act didn’t appeal to him. He hadn’t coerced women into sex before he was a vampire and it didn’t hold any intrigue now. Even if he was attracted to the woman he compelled, he couldn’t untangle what part of it belonged to scenes he recreated with Bonnie. Or just to Bonnie.

He fed on Tina absentmindedly, growing more disappointed at his lackluster response to his game. He felt empty too quickly. What if he'd eventually end up not getting a kick out of this at all? What was he supposed to do with all these strange sensations? He left the woman on the couch, hesitating a little before feeding her some of his blood. He didn’t like killing a woman in her apartment. It would be too messy. Maybe if she didn’t have a roommate. Luke was making more and more unpredictable appearances as time went on. He honestly thought being a vampire would shut that out. Frankly, when he returned from 1903, even before turning to a vampire, shutting Luke out took no effort. But his conscience was getting louder and louder. At least he took solace that so did his thirst for blood and mayhem.

His conscience, his rational thought though, it was all jumbled and he couldn’t make sense of it when Bonnie was in front of him. He moved to levitate her again, knowing that got her livid. And doing that and slicing her skin at the same time? The first time he did both she wailed on him so hard he was sure she was going to kill him. She cut him right back all over his body. Deep. He let her. She needed to do it. What was stranger, that he knew that or that he cared, he wasn’t sure. Feelings weren’t getting easier.

What was the big deal anyway with stabbing? He didn’t mind it when she drew blood from him. He just didn’t want her to leave. For like a good amount of time. Without him being able to know where she was just so he could know. Just to know. He despised her and himself for thinking that.

“Bonnie, we’ve been at this for a while. But it doesn’t hurt like it usually does. Getting soft? Er?” He asked mockingly. She was bruising him but it felt superficial. Like she was looking for him to hurt her. Which, if she even needed to give him an invitation.

Though he tried to avoid slicing her for practical reasons really. This is where having control helped. He had bitten her before of course. The first time she snapped his neck and if she didn’t he didn’t know if he could’ve stopped. As much as he wanted her to die he was still curious about her. But the blood was too much. 

“Ehh! What is that?” Kai barely heard himself as a sharp pitch resonated in his brain. He had felt a similar spell to this before but this one filled his entire brain, temporarily blinding him.

“Hurts doesn’t it?” He barely heard Bonnie talking. “Something new I’ve been working on. What do you think?”

He had to make the tearing in his brain stop but he couldn’t even think of any spells. Instinctively he went for what was familiar and ran a finger through the air, hearing her groan. He knew where he cut her because he found enough clarity in his mind to picture the location – two lines under her collar bone. 

He was going to be in trouble. Or her, she was going to be in trouble. He could smell her blood. He didn’t cut her very deeply but even a drop he could smell with keen sensitivity. With the first hint of it his immediate thought was desire to taste her. He wanted to be covered by her. That was part of the problem when he bit other women. From the moment he knew Bonnie’s taste. Swallowing another woman’s blood led straight to thinking that he wished he was drinking someone else.

“What are you doing?” Kai asked as he tried to get up, still hearing echoes of the high pitch in his head. How did she cast such a strong spell?

He heard a rumble and something tumbled under his feet. and Kai found himself flipped on his back again. This wasn’t as much fun when she had the one over on him. Not at all. He felt dizzy with pain still stemming from his head, despite his attempts to siphon magic out of the remnants of the spell.

He felt weight on his abdomen and looked up. Bonnie was straddling him. She was touching him. In every one of their fights he craved to find a way to touch her. And she was making a move to touch him herself. He looked at her hands trying to see if she carried a knife. Force of habit. Her hands were empty.

“Maybe I think if you feel enough pain you’ll learn something. Look at you. Everywhere you go you destroy people.” Bonnie said.

“Well yeah. That sounds wonderful. Who doesn’t like a little destruction? Even you do.” He said and sat up on his elbows to get a better look at her. In passing he realized he wasn’t feeling pain anymore - that was weird. Though his hands had a mind of their own he didn’t want to touch her. When he did in the past she’d flinch and flee or just flee after giving him one last excruciating hit. His punishment. He dug his fingers into the concrete below him and felt it give in under his fingers. Bonnie didn’t seem to notice.

“But I’m getting this strange feeling. You’re not angry at me. What’s wrong with you?” Kai asked.

“Something’s really wrong with you if you think I’m enjoying this. I was just walking here, I didn’t expect to see you.”

But she did. Maybe not enjoyed it like him. But each time she fought back, she engaged with him. Maybe not through conversation but through magic. And she knew the pattern. They were meeting with some frequency.

“Alone? You’d know better by now. But maybe you like this. Maybe this helps you get your anger out. Maybe that’s why you wanted me to--” and he looked down at her collar bone and he wished he didn’t. Those two long cuts. Somehow her face, talking to her took him off her scent and off the sight. Now he didn’t see anything else. He had her on his lap and he battled between keeping her there cause when would that happen again and saying screw it and devouring her all. It’d be short but he couldn’t beat that feeling. Until she’d be gone. How come that thought rarely came along with contentment only? Even when he was human, even before the merge. He didn’t want to kill her all the time. Something was wrong with him. He felt his forehead change despite trying to fight it.

“Don’t fight it.” She seemed to guess at his hesitation. “Take this.”

“Bonnie.” Her cuts were starting to close off a little but fresh blood was right there in front of him. If he hadn’t fed right before seeing her he wouldn’t have been able to slow down as much as this. Bonnie pulled a finger down her cuts and looked at it. She brought her finger, tinged with blood, closer to Kai’s face. 

“Stop it.” He said.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asked. “I’m giving you a free taste.”

He knew better. She must’ve been up to something. She wouldn’t goad him to take her blood like that otherwise.

“Bonnie, I will kill you.” He said, in the moment thinking he wouldn’t resist doing it if he fed on her. That seemed to pull Bonnie’s hand back. He couldn’t believe he said no to her offer. What a nightmare this was.

“Do you have a death wish? If you insist, I will help.” He said, still confused that she was giving him horrific pain one moment and the next offering herself as a meal. 

Kai felt her put more weight on him as she shifted her hips and legs as if getting ready to push herself off him. As she did he sat up and pulled her behind with his arm, bringing her closer to him, lining his eyes with hers. He wasn’t ready for her to leave.

“No need to rush away.” Kai said and put his other arm around her, pulling her against him again, unable to stop himself. “I like bumping into you.” If she shifted a little bit she’d grind into him. Bonnie’s eyes turned a little hazy but they were still hot with hate. Hot and real. 

“What’re you doing?” She said and he heard something in her voice, something less than confident. He still couldn’t read her expressions. But he felt her body stiffen and parts of it relax at the same time. He kept his gaze on her features.

“If you give in, maybe you’ll have some fun.” He said.

“What are you talking about? I offered you my blood. You’re not taking it.”

“Why would Bonnie Bennett offer me her blood?”

“You’ve had it before.”

And for the love of everything unholy he wanted to have it again. Swim in it.

“What?” Bonnie asked when Kai didn’t speak. His hands had mindlessly moved from her behind to sit on top of her thighs, replacing her hands which she moved to her sides.

“Listen, you’re acting weird. Like you’re focused but you’re not. I don’t care, but what’s going on with you?” He struggled saying the words because he didn’t care but he was still inquisitive. This whole Jiminy Cricket deal gave him this baffling interest in wanting to have insight into what other people felt. He couldn’t completely shake that away.

Now Bonnie stared wordlessly at him. He stared back.

“I’m stuck.” She said.

“On what?”

“I’m not talking about this with you. This is ridiculous.” Bonnie looked up. Kai reached out for her injured foot and twisted it.

Bonnie groaned. “Ow!”

He raised his eyebrows at her as if to say “go on.”

Bonnie scowled at him and sighed. “There’s too much noise. Everyone kept living their lives. While I was gone.” She looked down. “Everyone knows what they’re doing. And my ex is dating again. OK? All right?” Bonnie finished and started to move her feet again. Kai responded by holding her legs down. Bonnie moved her hands towards his in annoyance, he was pretty sure, then stopped. Kai waited.

“Adjusting back.” Bonnie said. “The people, birds, cars, anything. It’s too much sometimes. That’s why I take walks at night. Not to see you. There aren’t as many people out. I can retrace who I was over the town. Maybe remember who I am. My friends, who I can count on. I’m sure none of this means anything to you.”

That was mostly what he was thinking to himself but she was breathing a little easier now. Which perversely satisfied him. Bonnie took her hand and scraped her bruise, reopening it.

“I want you to drink.”

“I’m not going to.” Kai said, struggling to keep control of himself but showing a blank face. “I’d think you’d be smart enough not to mess around with any spells I’ve done.” Kai paused to gauge Bonnie’s reaction. Her expression didn’t change. Could she be telling the truth? But it didn’t make sense. 

He grabbed her arm, turning it quickly in an unnatural direction. Bonnie let out a cry. Her cry filled him with that familiar feeling of power and pleasure. He held on to her arm, loosening the grip.

Tears glistened in her eyes.

“I’ll break every bone in your body before I feed on you.”

Bonnie pulled her arm back. He had an impulse to take her pain away. She was goading him here. Where did the thought to not only give relief to her pain, but heal it come from? She couldn’t mess with him.

This felt so comfortable. The closeness he felt with her sitting on him. She fit on top of him perfectly. Her face when he hurt her. Her face when she, what felt like, confided in him. They both felt rewarding. He was at a loss to which one felt better.

“What happened, Kai? You used to kill people so easily.”

“I still do.” He said.

“Just not me?”

He grabbed her arm again. Bonnie squealed.

“I could listen to this. All night--” and he got in her face and regretted it because the closer he got to her the less clear he could think. 

His hand burned and he was so lost in her eyes he didn’t even notice. He moved his hand away from her elbow. She got him. It was going to take a minute for it to heal.

She smiled at him. The air changed and she looked less tense. His body reacted with “no” and his mind tried to catch up with what that meant.

“So we’re back to playing, Bonster?” He asked. What was that smile about?

“Same time, same place next week?” Bonnie asked with something whimsical in her voice. Her tone confused him. She was having fun doing this or not? She wanted to see him again? 

His mind cleared. His body reacted with no because he knew she was leaving. His body already missed her, he begrudgingly thought, but refused to accept. Her elbow was all bent in a weird shape and he remembered vaguely that she may have a broken ankle. Bonnie was carrying herself, arm included, with grace but he recognized her as easy prey. The kind that he may have put out of its misery only a short time ago. He had a thought.

Moving his hand behind her neck and pulling her closer he bit his other hand. Bonnie’s expression took a look of surprise before Kai moved to quickly cover her mouth with his bleeding wrist. She resisted, ungrateful, trying to slide backwards off his legs but Kai pulled his knees up to push her closer to him. It wasn’t the most comfortable position trying to hold onto her and keep his hand on her mouth but he just didn’t want her off his lap.

He was closer to her chest now. He heard her swallow his blood and made eye contact with her. He looked back at the wounds on her collarbone, slowly closing up. He bit on top of it, gulped a little of her blood. He felt her body tighten in response. But he couldn’t get anything this way.

He went up, nudging at her neck with his nose, hearing her try to argue against his wrist. He said softly into her ear “I lied,” before giving in and biting into her. He flashed for a moment to the other women he had bitten over the last week. But as he inhaled Bonnie and heard her breathe he forgot about everyone. It wasn’t that he felt close to Bonnie exactly. In fact while he was so close to her she felt like a distinct body, separated from him. But it was like the nerves on his body were on high alert when she was near him. Everything he was feeling was like a soup and separating all the pieces and what they meant was going to take time to figure out.

His hand was on her uninjured hand, resting on top of it. He didn’t realize that he was doing it, dimly realized now that when he started feeding on her she first tried to push him with her functioning arm, that he even interlocked his hands with hers as she tried to push him away. 

This was something he hadn’t tried this before, feeding someone while he was feeding on her. With difficulty he removed his mouth from her throat, watching the punctures close. He removed his wrist from her mouth. She was still holding her arm in a strange angle and moved it a little before stretching it out. 

Kai shrugged at her incredulous face. “I don’t need your angry vampires friends giving me a hard time seeing you limping around with broken limbs. It’s hard enough to make it in this town. You won’t mind that I made sure to counter any magic you had in your blood before I drank you, right?”

Despite carefully observing her features, Kai didn’t see Bonnie’s face response to his question. He was certain she tried to trick him but he probably wasn’t going to get more clarity tonight.

He felt loss in his body and it confused him. How could he stop this feeling? 

“You’re welcome to stay, Bon, no hurry. I just want you to know.” He grabbed her elbows and pulled her close to him again so she leaned forward, inches from his face.

“You’re gonna come to me one day and you’re not going to wave your magic at me. No, you’re going to ask me to give you relief. And I’ll be here.” He flicked down her form and up.

A splintering pain went through his head and the weight was gone and replaced by quick footsteps echoing more and more softly down the alley. The pain seared through him so he couldn’t see her until he caught a glimpse before she turned the corner. He still smelled her. Somewhere inside him he felt an emptiness again. It was an emptiness that quieted down the minute he was near Bonnie again, the kind of longing he always felt when he wasn’t near her. His body was trying to memorize her touch, what it felt like for him to move against her, even though his mind was struggling to make it stop.

He wasn’t even sure if she understood that line the way he meant it. 

He couldn’t have her running around in the streets, body half-broken with heretics everywhere. That just wouldn’t be practical. She may have been growing stronger but she a mortal witch. A witch that belonged to her friends. For now. Because if Bonnie was trying to one over him it had to be something to do with her friends from what he had seen of her.

She wasn’t his in the way that he was hers. Terrible thought. He wasn’t hers. He belonged only to himself. But he had to acknowledge even as he resisted her power over him. He craved to get close to her when she only wanted to cause him pain or dismiss him altogether. He couldn’t see it in the prison world, couldn’t understand it, couldn’t do either when he first returned to present day. Probably as self preservation because it took him over when he did. He didn’t become a vampire only to stop it but he hoped it would be a happy side effect. That turning into a vampire would temper out any humanity in him. Definitely take out what he felt for her. But he only felt what he did amplified. Every moment she played somewhere in his thought, even if in the background. 

Where was she running to? Kai wondered where her refuge was. He breathed in the night air, the solitude and stillness. He wasn’t ready to go to his makeshift home yet. He looked forward to the moment, now that she was gone, that his thoughts wold clear up. That he could try to be more completely who he used to be, who he really was. 

Who was waiting for Bonnie when she got to the place she was running towards? He wondered what would need to happen. What he’d need to do for her to run to him. These thoughts he had they were only getting louder and even if he didn’t accept and fought each step of the way a small voice assured him, one of these days his only choice would be to give in.


	2. Chapter 2

_His magic was escaping too quickly for him for produce enough to replenish it. It was like trying to move with rubbery legs after running one mile too much. It wasn’t much longer before he’d need to let up and he wouldn’t be able to hold the three heretics anymore. He knew that. He was sure she knew it. But she was still going to try to destroy their device. He was going to hold them off as long as possible for her to get out._ And for her to talk to me again, I was going to do it for her stupid friends. If they were going to die, I was going to be the one to do it. _He was comforted by the thought._

* * *

 

  
He paced the streets, registering dimly other people as they brushed past him. He didn’t like to admit how quickly, like a switch, he forgot about other things when he saw her, or, a first in this case, heard from her that she needed to see him. She actually DM’d him on Twitter. He didn’t even know she was on Twitter. Why she wouldn’t just exchange numbers with him he probably knew but it’s not like he wasn’t already seeing her on nearly a weekly basis this past month. Those interactions weren’t planned though. This was the first time she tried to see him without seeking him out or making herself a target by walking alone. Had to mean whatever she needed was urgent.

He was turning over a spell in his mind as he made his way to his destination. It was a new spell he found in a grimoire that afternoon. He was dedicating his days to practice magic. He reveled in the freedom of going from theory to application. He had years to study theory and nothing was like applying what he learned. Existing as a heretic. He had some thoughts about what he wanted to do with his gift. He was even planning on some research tonight. But for the few minutes that she’d give him her time, he’d turn up. As pitiful as it sounded and as his pride yelled at him to turn back. Whatever remained of his pride, at least when it came to her for some reason.

Though he was drawn to her some part of him recognized it was better that they kept some distance. If he’d be with her all the time – he couldn’t imagine how that would take over him. The thought of being consumed more by her was the quickest way he was going to be killed. And he liked living. He had big plans.

To actually be actively invited to see her. He sunk happily into this feeling some more, like settling into a hot spring. True, she still asked to see him in the alleyway behind the Grill. But it was close to a place she spent a lot of time at. He really shouldn’t have felt so thrilled by this. He was treated with no more royalty than a cat looking for scraps by a restaurant. Than a mouse. He acknowledged with resignation that it wasn’t even that he was starved for a woman’s attention. Every rational thought told him to stay home and that rational thought kept telling him that with every step. And then he was standing at the alley way behind the Grill. Right at 7 PM. He couldn’t even run a little late.

He didn’t have long to loiter as she came out a few seconds later, closing the door behind her, still wearing her work clothes. He looked up and around him theatrically, making eye contact with her briefly. Her face was already wearing a grimace, like she was disappointed that he had shown up at her request. That irritated him from the get go.

“It looks like hell hasn’t frozen over.” He said, pushing aside the irritation and reining in the glee from seeing her. “And we’re still here. What would bring you to ask to see me?”

_Look at that face._ The moment he saw her he could see in the pitiful defeated curve of her back and her slouched shoulders that she wasn’t in the mood.

“Hey.” She said in a hoarse voice.

What was this, how come this wouldn’t go away? He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He knew his body and his face responded to her and she’d notice if she was looking at him. But she wasn’t. Not like he was looking at her all captivated. Who did she think she was, anyway, that he was just going to respond so fast to see her like she was someone who could expect him to-- do exactly what he did. He should squeeze the blood out of her. She’d taste so good. And then she’d be gone. Couldn’t he get rid of that sting he felt it whenever he thought of her no longer being around?

“A nicer set up than the last alley way we were Bon. Though change the trash bins and ladders and they’re mostly the same. Got a little more light this time I guess. Right by the Grill so we have have more rats for company.” He babbled on. “But on the plus side, that way we got some Lady and the Tramp vibes going here, don’t you think?”

“Can we just talk about what I messaged you about?” She said curtly.

He wasn’t done. “Bad day at work?” He asked.

She started brushing her hands away at the question and he wasn’t sure how she was going to respond but he was still reeling at himself that he showed up here, that he didn’t tell her no. Something else bothered him too. His wrist twisted and he realized she wasn’t just not responding but hurting him. Well, this invitation he could take. He twisted his palm upwards and Bonnie clutched her head.

“What the-” She barely shouted. These aneurysms she’d usually give him. The only thing she did that he hated more than her twisting his neck. He wasn’t giving her an aneurysm but something to draw out a similar pain. He knew she hated when he did that too.

He wasn’t there for this but if she wanted to play he was in. He was going to squeeze her invitation to see him for all it was worth, he realized now. “This better have been worth it. I was busy doing magic. But if I’m already here why I don’t practice some magic on you?”

He cast another spell. Bonnie screamed.

_She’s human. So what?_

What was he doing? Why was he blowing this already? _You wanted to see her you idiot._

Her face was twisted and if she could blow fire at him he was certain she would leave him in a pile of ash. _I hope she regrets tweeting at me. I hope she stays._

She twirled a finger in the air and motused him away from her.

_Just a motus? That’s all-_

And he felt it. From the bottom of his foot, anincision starting and slicing upwards, following a path of a ribbon creating like a pattern one you’d find on a candy cane. It was beautifully horrifying just how much it hurt.

He needed to stop her. But he wanted to see how far she’d go. She didn’t cut deep – maybe concerned that with a high blood loss he’d be more likely to feed on her. Like that wasn’t already one of his two biggest struggles when he was near her.

He felt cold liquid come down from his collarbone. That was personal. He loved to bite her just above it, the few times he snuck a feed in. He loved that spot. Taking a couple of bites before he went upwards to take in a volume closer to what he needed.

“I was right. I already regret asking to see you.” She said.

Her back had straightened up and she had spread her legs out on the ground for balance. Her heart beat faster and he finally saw a spark of fight in her eyes. She regretted seeing him, he had no doubt, but she was over whatever disappointment she felt from seeing him.

_An enemy wouldn’t give you a break if you had a bad day Bon. You had to be on._ Lucky for her he found her and not someone who really wanted a bite of her. _Mmmmm._

Her eyes were still tired and he could see something vulnerable in her face. He wanted to hug her. _No. No. I want to hurt her. No. Comfort. Comfort?_ At that thought his heart soared and _he_ felt comforted. More than at the thought of hurting her. That must be a mistake – no. Holding her won out. He wanted to stomp his foot like a child.

“If it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t be here but we need a hand.”

“Is this the way you ask for favors from everyone, or is it just me who’s so lucky?” He asked. His leg still wasn’t healing. He felt the cuts try to close and be held off. She added something to the spell. Clever woman. It was more uncomfortable than painful, like his leg was asleep. But next time she’d be able to make it throb, he could tell. She was always learning.

Bonnie had spread the fingers in her right hand as if readying herself for another spell. He tried to get closer to her and she resisted each time he took a step, flicking something in his way. That’s where they were then. If this was lunch back in high school they’d make a mess of the cafeteria. He loved every second of it.

“I never knew with these heretics coming here – I mean, I figured that they’d give life at Mystic Falls a little more spice but I never imagined it would bring you and me clos-”

Of course she wouldn’t let him finish that sentence. Of course she’d freeze the blood in his veins as a response. Her magic was inside him. Destruction as attention, yeah, he’d keep this going for that.

He suspected though that what she was now doing was stalling because she was angry at herself for asking for help. If she was going to hurt him for the sake of how they communicated that was one thing. Or if it was something just to do with her. But if this had to do with her friends or the greater good, which was what he imagined this was about – if this wasn’t for her or their sake then this was boring. If that was the case he wanted her to get to the point. He opened his palm and she slammed against the wall. By the time she opened her eyes he was in front of her. He placed his right arm above her shoulder.

“Bon. I do love your magic show. But that’s not what you or I are here for. What do you want?”

She raised her shoulders, responding to his closeness, and dropped them, but didn’t push him away. His body hummed with contentment at her proximity. He was getting used to this Bonnie effect. He still tried to recreate it with other women. He finally realized that to do it he’d probably need to see them more than once. The role-playing he still did but not with women he saw again.

And seeing women more than once, to try to develop some kind of attachment, that was all weird. All of it. Still he was able to see a couple of them like eight or nine times. A lot in one month. Just to see if he could feel, forget the same confusion he felt with Bonnie, but feel anything remotely like it. After he left them his first unprompted thought was “I wonder what Bonnie’s doing?” Every freaking time. It gnawed at him.

“The heretics are going to raise a demon.” Bonnie brought him back to her.

“Again?”

“Geor demon this time.”

He saw her try to take a step back and hit the wall with the sole of her left shoe and try to play it off. With every movement she was trying to get more space away from him. If a wall wasn’t behind her she’d take a step back. And he’d take one to follow her right back. He moved his arm off the wall.

She kept going. “They want more of their own and they haven’t been able to turn them. The ones they’ve tried to turn have died and-”

“Oh.” Kai said. “That makes me kinda more special then huh? If that was possible.”

She tilted her head at him, opened her mouth and changed her mind. “They’re planning to make a deal to get more vampire witches. Whether it means by turning witches here or bringing more heretics from somewhere else, we don’t know.”

“Hm. OK. Sounds fun.” He nodded. This is where he’d typically saunter away, merrily looking forward to the resulting mayhem. And honestly the only reason he resisted leaving altogether was because she stood right in front of him. While she did he had all the mayhem he needed right here.

He did turn his back to her, though, his body tensing, remembering the moment she attacked him from behind, even though it had been months since she did it. He expected her to follow him. She did. He turned around abruptly and she nearly bumped into him.

“All the witches they tried to turn died?” He asked.

“Yes. A lot witches have gone into hiding.”

_Not you of course_. He raised an eyebrow at her trying to understand what it was she was asking him to do. “So you’re low on witches for help?”

She took a deep breathe. If it wasn’t for the confusing emotions he felt that came from her asking him for help, he’d fully relish in her difficulty in getting her words out.

She finally nodded. “Something like that. None of the witches will talk to me.” She muttered. “The heretics got witches and vampires taking sides against each other.”

_And you’re getting shut out_. Likely because witches saw it as a betrayal that she stuck with her vampire buddies. He didn’t miss Bonnie catch herself as she told him this last detail. She was telling him more than she wanted. And he wanted more of exactly this.

“We’re done with fighting for tonight, right?” He asked.

“What?”

“I mean, we’re talking now?”

Bonnie shook her head like she was trying to get rid of a bad thought. “Yes, we’re talking, and if you’re going to waste my ti-”

She yelped as he grabbed her, backing up a few steps and letting himself fall on his ass, holding on to her. Flashes of light filled the alley as a car flew by much too fast.

Bonnie looked back at the passing car, her hands having instinctively moved to his waist. He looked at her, her legs straddling him, listened as her heart restored slowly to regular heartbeats. Bonnie kept her eyes transfixed on the vehicle.

“Was in a hurry I guess,” He said to say something. Like each time he touched her, or she touched him, he quietly filed away how it felt to re-experience the sensations later. If he could turn how she made him feel into a spell he could just, oh who knows, inhale it and he wouldn’t need her. If he needed her. _Which I do not_.

She turned to him, and he saw her taking in that she was sitting on him, his legs sprawled under her.

“Anyone can see us back here.” She said, clutching his elbows for balance as he moved under her to settle in more comfortably.

“Who cares?” He asked, not grasping that her initial reaction wasn’t irritation or even annoyance that she was sitting on top of him. “Oh you mean, your friends passing by? Wondering why you’re cuddling up close to Kai? I mean _Kai_!” He added in a mocking voice, widening his eyes.

Bonnie moved her hands back to her waist, maybe anticipating he was going to place his hands on hers if she left them on her thighs. Which of course he was going to do. He loved doing that. But all right, she wanted to keep some distance, that was fine. She was still sitting on his lap. Again. Lowering her face to look at his. He felt through her tense muscles that she was a second from rushing away. _Here, I won’t even put my hands on your legs. For now._

“Didn’t tell them what you did for me a couple of days ago?” He asked, knowing the answer, but he had to ask. “If you did, maybe this snuggling would make sense.”

Her mouth opened to argue and he quickly amended. “That’s OK. You saw someone in need and you couldn’t help yourself. I forgive you. I know you prefer to think that I’m the devil and you’re mostly right. That’s OK. I don’t need friends. I don’t need you. I have plans.”

“What do you even do all day?” She asked.

“I study. Do magic. I got some time to be around and I want to enjoy running a few spells before I settle down. I mean, I had no way to do magic for 18 years. All that time. Do you realize what’s it like not to do something you’re dying to do? I mean, true, really vengeance and murder was on my mind more than anything else, but now murder seems… Just more pointless. Except for eating of course. A man’s gotta eat.”

“If only you figured that out sooner.”

“If only a lot of things – but we’ve talked about that already, right?” They have and they always ended at opposite understandings. And he’d maybe be willing to entertain this conversation another time but not tonight.

“But you know, all that reading and practicing magic reminded me of what I didn’t get to properly do. Maybe, who knows – maybe I’ll teach little siphoners. Maybe start a siphon school. I could be a teacher, don’t you think?”

“You? Children? No.”

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should start with adults and work my way down. But really, Bon, I don’t like hurting kids anymore. It doesn’t sit well in my stomach. Which is a problem because I have no issue killing adults. For food of course. For some reason kids, it’s like I feel like I’m going to throw up if I try to eat them. Weird. I guess it’s a problem if I want to eat the adult students. I know what you think. The great teachers are usually the touchy feely kind. But I don’t have to be like that. I mean the technical I got down. I taught you some things haven’t I?”

“If no one will talk to me I doubt anyone would want you anywhere near witches.”

“Plenty of witches are on the outs, Bon, not just us. Whether for right or wrong reasons. They need to learn too.”

“Don’t want to talk about this. Any of it.”

She was a little intrigued though. He could tell by her eyebrows. They told a lot. But OK, he was going to let it go. That wasn’t what tonight was about.

“OK. So if I help you,” He narrowed his eyes. “You tell me something.”

“What?” She raised her voice. “You help me because you owe me.”

_Oh come on_. But she was so cute when she made demands.

“Since when do I play fair?” He asked.

Bonnie raised her eyes to the sky. He smiled. Something about this felt, even though he couldn’t fully relax cause he felt she could leap away in any second, so domestic.

He placed his index finger under her clavicle, slipping it under her shirt briefly and pulled it lower, burning into her skin. She stopped his journey, grabbing his hand with furious eyes. He felt his digits break one by one.

He swallowed the pain. “How’d your week go?” he asked. She was still holding on to his hand and he saw viciousness in her eyes. He elevated the temperature in his hand and it was her turn to cry in pain.

She eyed him dubiously. It was just normal, two people injuring each other, chatting, driving each other up the wall. Doing anything but talking about what was going on. But how could they when he couldn’t name it himself.

“I work at the Grill, I see my friends, we try to find a way to kill the heretics--”

“Yeah let’s go back to that last one.” _Business. I’m going to stick to business._ Each time he talked to her he understood her a bit better and eventually the mystery would be gone _and I just want more._

“That’s not a secret.” She huffed. “And I’m not going to tell you how we’ve been trying to get the heretics.” She crossed her arms. But she stayed on his lap.

“That’s fine. But on Tuesday, you tried to go after one of them on your own. Didn’t you?”

Her eyes widened for just one second and her mouth opened. He surprised her. That feeling he could live on for days. He absentmindedly became aware his hands were sitting at the side of her hips. He didn’t notice when he put them there.

“How did-- Is this a trick?” She asked, looking around her.

“No. You sitting here, is just a bonus.” Her shoulders pulled her upper body away from him. _Don’t push it_. More than he already was. But it was too tempting to take what she gave and not try to take one step further. “You think baddies don’t talk? I may be on the outs with everybody, but there’s always a couple who love spreading good gossip.”

“I can’t imagine anyone telling you anything.”

_Quit stalling Bonnie_. “If you’re not going to tell anyone, your stomach will eventually explode. Think of the cleanup for your friends.” He baited her.

“I don’t want to tell you.” She said, shifting a little in her position.

“You’ve already talked to me before.” He sighed into his words impatiently.

“That was just that once.”

When she tried to get him to drink her blood?  _Please_. “Uh that was three times. One of those times you were drunk so OK maybe you don’t remember it so clearly. But it wasn’t just once.”

Her shoulders tensed. “All right, OK. Yeah I tried to get a couple of them on my own.” She said.

“How’d that work out?”

“What do you care?”

“Morbid curiosity.”

“I almost got killed.”

“I know that you love almost getting killed, almost as much as you love dying, that is if I learned anything from listening to you and Damon ramble on, but I hope you learned something. I’m all for trying to get what you want on your own. But I know what they’re like and I wouldn’t visit them by myself unless I was on their side.”

His experience with the heretics. This was a topic that they avoided.

“Interesting you didn’t ask me about them before you paid them a visit by yourself. Didn’t want any insight from someone who got to know them pretty well?”

Bonnie broke eye contact with him. He hoped from guilt. _She paid the price for that. Too many people paid the pri-- I’m not thinking about that right now._ But those voices were getting louder and louder.

“Why would you want to help me?” She asked.

_Fair enough_. “But then you helped me a few days ago and you figured because of that I’d help you out.”

“Pretty sure I saved your life.”

_And aren’t you quick to cash on it._

“Must’ve hurt to do it too, huh?” He asked, pleading between his words for her to say he was worth to keep around. She already knew he saved her life. Already knew he thought she was worth keeping around.

She didn’t answer him. Something cleared up in his head. “You already thought you’d use me to help you. When you saved me.”

_Excuse you-- she didn’t save you. You were going to be fine. Maybe miss a leg or a heart. If anyone could figure out a way around a missing heart you would. Nothing you couldn’t fix. Why couldn’t you just say you got a hand?_

“I was talking with Caroline and Sophia. They suggested it.” She avoided answering him directly.

Sophia, probably one of his least favorite of the vampire witches. He cringed.

“Sophia’s been helping us. She’s not the same.”

She better not have been trying to comfort him with that.

“I don’t know what happened to you when you were there. If I knew now what I did then,” Bonnie took a breathe. “If I knew that you dying would kill your coven. If I knew – other things. I don’t think I would’ve left you there. I would not have wanted to be around you.” She added quickly, maybe responding to something she saw in his face as she spoke. “Too much had happened by then. But I wouldn’t have left you there.”

That was the closest they ever got. What am I to you? What are you to me? He looked behind her and then looked away, struck by the intensity of the emotions that rose in the cavity of his chest.

“I’m not telling you that to convince you to help. We’ll do this with or without you. And what I did didn’t justify what you did to your family, me, or Elena. Which, as far as what you did to me, you haven’t apologized for-”

“I’m sorry.” He said and looked at her. “I’m sorry. Does that help? It doesn’t change anything.”

“Are you sorry?”

“Are you?” He asked. He cared about her answer and what worse, he knew he couldn’t hide that in his voice.

“I told you I was.”

“Tell me again.”

“I’m sorry.” She said too loudly. And then her eyes softened, as if to make up for her curt tone.

He took in a breathe he didn’t need. He met her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

* * *

 

It definitely felt off to fight as part of a group. You couldn’t just depend on yourself and your instincts but had to follow others who were imperfect, including Bonnie. Had to worry about others making stupid mistakes, including Bonnie. If it was just him and Bonnie he could cover for her and she could cover for him. Fighting with multiple players that he couldn’t control, to regroup mid-battle, this was all new and he was pretty sure he hated it. Even if it meant battling some heretics.

Before the fight went down he took a survey of the space. The heretics had chosen an abandoned theater of all places for their summoning ritual. Many of the seats were missing and others in disarray. The stage looked intact. Five of the heretics were already sitting there around the – what did Bonnie call it? Trigon, the object they were using to bring the demon. Three heretics were off on the side. They had their own part for the summoning. He wasn’t completely clear on that. Bonnie didn’t leave a lot of time for explanation. They wanted to attack the same night she asked him to meet.

_Too bad for Bonnie and her friends that Lilly wasn’t around to babysit these freaks._  One good thing, of all fights to invite him to she might as well have asked him to battle his previous captors. It was almost a favor she was doing for him.

“Caroline and Stefan are going to go after the three. You’re going to help them?” Bonnie tried making a statement but it came out as a question. Pesky trust issues. Not sure why she was doing it. They had already gone over the game plan.

“Yeah. And if your friends try to kill me, I saw how Caroline looked at me-”

“She’s fine.” Bonnie looked at her hands and it was clear she had more to say but she didn’t. “Change of plan with Damon.”

“What about him?”

“He’s bait.”

“Sexy.”

It wasn’t sexy at all but to say those words to Bonnie and see her reaction made him lightheaded. They both had to work to keep their cloak to remain unseen by the heretics and even that they weren’t going to risk to make it last long.

Bait Damon did play. Riling the five heretics up on the stage, one of them standing up to attack him, the other four trying to bring the fifth’s concentration back to the spell. And it worked better to distract the three heretics (the “threes” as he dubbed them) on the side for Stefan and Caroline to rush and attack them. Enzo was with Sofia in the back, for moral support as far as Kai gathered, to help stop the spell coming from the three heretics.

Number-wise they weren’t in too bad of a shape, but heretics vs. vampires, the first had a clear advantage. The plan wasn’t for Damon to only be bait but to disrupt the summoning but too quickly he went under, not expecting an attack from the stage, and as a result distracting his brother.

“Help Damon.” Stefan told him as he saw a heretic hovering above Damon with magic at her fingertips. Maybe figured Kai’d have an advantage with magic of his own. The other problem with fighting in a group, Kai thought. Not just having to look out for each other. Worrying about each other. Waste of time.

_Saving her friends wasn’t part of the plan. But to hurt that vampire witch – too exciting._ Kai motused her away from Damon, against the ceiling, bouncing her off, trying unsuccessfully to suck her magic. Siphoners. A curse and blessing not to be the only one. The heretic blasted back at Kai. OK, he just needed to keep her away from the other four.

Kai felt Bonnie chanting behind him and her spell was solid. She was OK. The four remaining heretics on the stage were still focused on trying and complete the spell. They wouldn’t be able to feel Bonnie’s early disruption if they weren’t trying to find it. She was going to pace herself with it to hit the target at the right time. Until they started the spell the Trigon would be all but indestructible.

He turned his eyes to Caroline and Stefan who were fighting the three heretics. They were both putting a good fight but both seemed to be struggling. The heretic he was after was getting a kick out of beating her up.

“Tessa! We need you.” A call came from the stage and Tessa floored him to the ground before leaping away.

Bonnie’s magic was strong. He felt Sophia’s magic too. He could’ve been doing her spell, clearly a heretic was good enough for that one, but OK, they trusted Sophia more with that. Bonnie definitely needed someone else on offense. Her friends clearly needed help, as Caroline and Stefan finally were able to snap one heretic’s neck together only to be attacked without mercy by the remaining two heretics.

He slipped in to the fight. It felt so good to get aggression out without holding back, invigorating to see his former captives bleeding and injured. Still, he wouldn’t have minded helping Bonnie channel her spell. He wondered what it would feel like to share a longer casting with her but she had insisted it needed to come only from a witch, that she had back up for it, and that he was needed on the offensive end. That she couldn’t use a heretic he didn’t believe but he was more curious about what or even who this back up was. She had told him in the alleyway that she was on the outs with witches but he just had a feeling-- but he couldn’t think about that now.

Caroline and Stefan fell down at the same time, leaving Kai with the remaining two heretics.

“OK, that’s enough.” Kai said. With a few spells and a slam with his fist he stopped the heretic who had taken out Caroline and Stefan, only to be attacked to the ground by the third. He remembered that one though he couldn’t remember his name. He tried not to remember any of their names.

His magic was escaping too quickly for him for produce enough to replenish it. It was like trying to move with rubbery legs after running one mile too much. It wasn’t much longer before he’d need to let up and he wouldn’t be able to hold the three heretics anymore. He knew that. He was sure she knew it. But she was still going to try to destroy their device. He was going to hold them off as long as possible for her to get out. _And for her to talk to me again, I was going to do it for her stupid friends. If they were going to die, I was going to be the one to do it._ He was comforted by the thought.

“Kai careful!”

He looked back at her and she pointed above his head. This one he didn’t recognize.

“Caroline, Stefan, time to wake up.” He said as he kept trying to siphon whatever the heretics were doing to keep them unconscious.

From the sides he saw Enzo grab Damon out of the way.

_Come on Bonnie. Get it done._ He was out of breathe, barely keeping it together.

She was concentrating. He smelled smoke coming out of the Trigon. The heretics were scrambling. He didn’t know how she could still have her shield up. She must’ve been channeling something really powerful.

Too bad he couldn’t use any of it to keep the two heretics from hammering into him. Enzo came up beside him.

“About time.” Kai said, barely holding off two heretics.

“I was helping Sophia. It took longer than we thought.” Enzo said, pulling one heretic off Kai. As he did Kai glanced on the stage. Something wasn’t right. The heretics there were scrambling too quickly. They were afraid of something. But the heretics fighting him and now Enzo seemed too caught up to notice.

He looked back at Bonnie, feeling the power coming out of her. He thought for a moment that they were afraid of her. But Sophia was idling up to Bonnie. Her eyes were bright green as she looked at her. He saw fear in Bonnie’s eyes. Bonnie started working up a spell at Sophia before hunching back. Too much power was coming off the heretic. Bonnie had to see that.

He forgot about the heretic still fighting him, shoving him away, and in moments was at Sophia’s side.

Bonnie didn’t have to speak. He could clearly read the thoughts on her face. “What are you doing?”

_What I’m supposed to do._

He took off Sophia’s head in one clean swipe.

Enzo lunged at him, careening both of them into remaining seats and flattening them into the ground. _Come on, a vampire?_ _I can take you in a second._ But arrogance along with Enzo’s rage was too much for Kai and he couldn’t even blurt out a spell as Enzo’s wrath overwhelmed his strength and magic. A different kind of rage than what he saw from Bonnie.

“Enzo stop!” Bonnie yelled out. Even in her yell she could. “Kai-”

“I loved her.” Enzo whispered.

Bonnie motused Enzo off Kai. Enzo rushed back to Sophia who had herself move in the commotion. Kai barely registered him as he turned his eyes to Bonnie. He looked for the disdain in her face, the lowered eyebrows for him to know he was in trouble. He didn’t read it. Her eyebrows were raised and her face was blank. She was surprised.

_What? What did you think I was going to do? Are you really not used to being saved?_

OK. Her expression was now growing to one he recognized. “I had her. It was under control.” She said.

He got up and approached her. “You’re welcome.” He gritted his teeth. He wasn’t going to apologize.

She had a death wish. To keep someone around who was maybe or maybe not going to be on her side and who’d maybe – just like she did now, turn on Bonnie?

_Why won’t you come to me for that Bon? I’m a genie of making death wishes come true. No._ That’s not who he was anymore. _Why? She clearly wanted to end it. And she didn’t have to stay dead if you care so much._ What did it matter if she chose him as a human or vampire witch? If she was a heretic he’d have longer to – to what, to do what? _Even if she wouldn’t be mine, maybe she’d have a shot at hanging around longer. Cause her choices weren’t going to keep her around for long._

“You’re not listening. We had a plan.”  
  
“Screw the plan. She was going to kill you.”

“I had it.” She spit out the words. “You know I did. Why don’t you--”

_Say it Bonnie. Go on._

“Trust me?”

“Trust you?”

They asked the question at the same time. Ridiculous. They didn’t trust each other. That was the foundation of their messed up whatever this was.

“You could’ve just snapped her neck.”

“Snapping her neck wouldn’t have stopped her magic. You felt how strong she was.”

“I don’t think that’s why you did it.” She shook her head. “You knew she was the only lead we had to kill the heretics. Whether or not we were going to keep her on our side, she was the only shot we had. You knew that.”

He smiled at her. He couldn’t stop. He did know that, someone mentioning that when the group strategised earlier. But the moment Sophia was building her attack, all he consciously knew for one second was that she was going to kill Bonnie so he acted. Was it an added bonus that chaos would follow heretics sticking around? Sure. He was no hero. The vengeance he had in mind to reap on the heretics was going to be done on his own terms. Plus, he’d gotten out of the prison world with their help. He owed them some courtesy for it. _Honor between heretics. It was their nature to be evil. Just like him. He couldn’t not respect that a little._

Was that expression she had now the same when she realized he had deserted her those months ago? His heart constricted. For when he left her and for when she left him.

“What happened?” Caroline joined Bonnie.

_Now she’s awake._ He didn’t even look back at the heretics to see if they were gone.

“Are you OK?” She hugged Bonnie’s shoulder. Bonnie accepted it, molding into Caroline’s neck. Kai’s body rebelled. If she ever melted into him like that, ever before, it was never relaxed like that. Never fully relaxed. Never fully giving in. Never fully trusting. Even if he didn’t have the right to it of course he’d want it. Just how would I get it? The reply came back, if he had to turn into someone he wasn’t. He couldn’t do that.

“They all left, except the one Stefan and I got and --” She and Bonnie looked at Enzo. “Did it get destroyed?” Caroline asked, looking at the stage at the havoc left behind.

Bonnie nodded, pulling away from Caroline, and the two shared a smile. Kai took the moment in. The two women looked over at Enzo, shedding tears over Sofia’s body.

“He’s coming. He just needs a minute. Stefan already left with Damon. Let’s get out of here. You’re not invited.” She said unnecessarily to Kai.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Kai said, wishing for a second that Bonnie took a piece of him with her. That she took something from the last hours with him.

Bonnie took a few confident steps towards him and whatever was torn inside him opened a little more at her cold expression. “Stay out of my life.” She said quietly before turning away. Caroline’s eyes moved from Bonnie to Kai and she looked at him, mystified, as Bonnie bounded out the door. Kai could could see a new understanding in Caroline’s face. A few seconds later she followed her friend. Super. So Bonnie’s friend knew something before it even started.

_But it did start._ Even before she tried to force him to drink her blood. He was sick of carrying his heart in pieces with big chunks of it in Bonnie’s hands, whether she wanted them or not. Bitterly he could finally admit she had them. She could keep them. He had no interest in getting them back.

He was alone. Even Enzo had left. He felt a little bad for the vampire but he couldn’t imagine he’d really fallen so hard for someone he’d just met like what, three months. That would be embarrassing. He thought of--

She wanted to get rid of him? Like he enjoyed this. Like he didn’t want to rid himself of her. He worried about her. He didn’t want to risk her. Everything else was secondary.

It wasn’t even a lost battle. The heretics were still around but they didn’t succeed in calling a demon which was already better than the last. He wouldn’t want to see her when she lost a fight. He wanted comfort. And he knew he’d find someone to willingly and happily find it with. _Just..._

It was so much better to be on your own he thought, as he rubbed the back of his neck, and made his way out the theater. If she was going to be hate him forever at least do it for something that was worth the contempt. Insufferable woman. He closed his eyes without thinking, picturing her long fingers, her thumbs replacing his. They always needed to be even, the thought pulled up. They stabbed each other. They deserted each other. She saved his life. He smiled. And he saved hers. _Twice_. His smile grew. They always needed to keep a balanced scale. She’d be in no hurry to save his life, to be sure. But the imbalance wouldn’t let her stay away from him too long. It wasn’t over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 
> 
> Originally planned as a one shot, positive response to this fic inspired me to continue. This’ll be a three parter (already working on ch3).
> 
> Thank you to folks who left kudos and bookmarked!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> / Warnings below /  
> See chapter one. Bonnie has some dark moments. This isn't safe.  
> /

How did she find herself on his lap anyway?

Bonnie stopped by the Salvatore House looking for Damon. They had agreed to meet there at some point that early afternoon and he had told her to let herself in. After calling out for him at the entry way and the second floor she accepted no one was at home. She should've waited for him to text her back. The big house felt eerie to her in its emptiness and she wondered if its residents were off drowning their sorrows in the town's cemetery. That's where Damon and Alaric spent hours, that is before the latter's recent departure from Mystic Falls. Each of her friends was searching for an escape, healing, or refuge. Depending on the time of day she was looking for all three. Most of all she wanted peace. If any of her friends would find it, she wanted to know the secret.

She too frequently found Damon and Alaric at the town's graveyard to know that's likely where Stefan and Damon were now sitting side by side. Bonnie finished texting Damon and stopped at the living room. If she was already here she might as well stay for a bit. She resisted the temptation to light the fireplace, the air feeling warm enough already, instead opening a window. She headed to the back of the room where Damon kept his bottles and picked one of her favorite whiskeys.

Maybe the brothers were lounging at the crypt where Elena was kept, she thought, as she poured the drink. Or elsewhere, and she pictured Damon leaning against a tombstone. Him ruminating over Elena and Stefan with him, sulking after an anguished argument with Caroline.

Bonnie witnessed the beginning of Stefan and Caroline's latest fight before discretely leaving. They had an intense relationship that Bonnie didn't quite understand. One with a foundation of friendship that grew seedlings while their humanity was shut off. A dynamic she didn't want. More than anything she wanted comfort. Life was a shattered piece of wood that cut at her limbs at every touch, ripping her heart in pieces. It was like she carried the pieces of her heart in a plastic bag to keep it in one place. She couldn't imagine putting it together for it to break with another loss.

Bonnie sat back on the couch, gulping her drink down, and closed her eyes. Sleep beckoned her and maybe she could rest for, she thought, as she took off her shoes and laid down, setting her drink on the side table. She turned to her side as she settled in. She could go to one of the spare rooms but now no force could move her.

Working nights was starting to take a toll. Her boss had looked for someone to fill nights and mentally Bonnie didn't mind staying up late. Her body, though, seemed to rebel against reduced exposure to sun.

How strange that when she closed her eyes and felt herself fall asleep in this house she felt more control of the space. The harrowing and comforting memories of the place were slowly pulling her thoughts to sleep.

"You need to tell me what you're going to do with those heretics, Bon."

She pushed her face down. Not now. Maybe she should've been more surprised at his voice but she couldn't delude herself about that. She had expected to see him, her skin anticipating him for days. It had been too long since she last saw him. She let out a tired moan at Kai's voice but immediately responded, sitting up and putting her legs on the carpet, instinctively taking an offensive stance. Forget the peace and solitude.

She hadn't gone on walks in over a week. Not on her own at least. She purposefully chose to be around friends while wandering outside knowing Kai sought her out on solitary walks. Neither was she looking for him.

It was self-preservation but not just for the immediate reason of avoiding death in their continuously escalating fights. She admitted to no one, least of all herself, that they got a little too close last time. Not just the intense fight and it was nothing too physical. No lips touching. Just-

"I'd much rather wipe the floor with you." She held her arms beside her, her hands splayed on the couch, as if ready to pounce.

"Indoors, Bon? That's usually not how we do it. Gets a little messy. And this is your bestie's house." He tsked at her as he shook his head slowly. She still heard in his voice the invitation. He loved this with her.

"One time. One time Damon invited you here to help us and you think you're welcome back?"

"I was looking for you. Door wasn't locked and anyway, this is still a boarding house isn't it?"

"We're not working together anymore Kai."

She regretted sitting up. She should've just stared at him from her laid out position and not show him that she cared that he was in the room with her. "Not since you screwed us over."

"Wow, wait til I kill one of your real friends. Then I'm really in trouble." He pulled a fearful expression on his face and immediately shrugged it off.

"This happened a month ago so I guess you forgot that it was you who asked me to help." He said. "And I didn't screw anything up. Stefan's with me on this, Enzo's girl had her own agenda. Not my fault you don't see it yet. Don't tell me you're mourning a heretic you barely knew. What was I going to do, spare her because she was a new member of your core group cause she's dating Enzo? How am I expected to I keep up with you all and your musical chairs of friendships and couples?" Kai pointed at Bonnie with his palm. "Except for you of course. You're easier to follow."

Bonnie bristled. This was not where she wanted the conversation to go.

"Blondie, it's hard to keep up with her. I think your wolf friend still has a thing for her. In the moments I saw him. He does hold a grudge, you know, Liv and all that. Damon's off the shelf. His problem. But you, you shouldn't wait around. Jeremy's moved on."

Bonnie stood up, stopping herself from crossing her arms. "Can we not talk about my love life?" Certainly not the only detail he brought up she didn't want to hear him talk about, but the one she decided in the moment was out of bounds. A topic too she wasn't at all used to him bringing up.

"Uh, I thought we weren't." He said, his tone suggesting that there was nothing to talk about. He took a few steps into the living room.

A door had already opened. Opened more than four months ago, before the night she tried to trick him to drink her with a spell in her veins. She had been feeling the bubbling under the surface each time they were in the same room, the same space, and she hated it. She wanted to shove him out the house so she'd be safe. She wanted to cross the next few steps and tug his shirt, his collar, right down to her so she could smell him. She wished he'd leave.

If she were honest with herself, not seeing him was probably the reason it took her hours to fall asleep. She wasn't able to get that rush of adrenaline, that release she was used to at the end of the night.

In the past four months Bonnie still dreamed about her. She still dreamed of events from the past year. She'd day dream. Thoughts about Elena faded but she remained stuck. Dreamed about who she was becoming. How she was trying to cope. She wasn't talk with other people, not her friends. Her thoughts had go somewhere. The heretics gave some solace in a ludicrous way because they gave her something to do. Outside of her bartending job. Damon joked that it was the job

"Bonnie," he said. "Turning a little purple there. Don't you want to ask me about who I'm dating?"

"No." Her stomach sank. A thrill to know and not know.

Kai took another step towards her. Bonnie kept her stand beside the end of the couch close to the fireplace.

"It is amazing how you can hold a grudge so long since it happened, and I've even seen you since then, but you're so protective of me being in Damon's space. Like I'd hex him. Waste of a hex. Truly, if there's one thing I learned about you and him, is that he can do no wrong. Too bad I didn't meet you first."

"What if you did?" She asked, confused.

"You'd have used your unlimited give-your-baddie-free-out-of-jail cards on me. Someone who actually-" He grabbed an ashtray off the side table on the other end of the couch. He held it up. "Doesn't smoke. Would ruin my vocal cords." He pointed out his neck with his other hand.

"It's just decorative," Bonnie said, knowing that's not how he was going to end his sentence. Each step he had taken towards her she felt the tension between them grow and she had to fight herself from not giving in to her own pull to him.

"I'm not doing anything with the heretics. I promise." She said too emphatically. Even Kai looked momentarily phased by her tone and her words. She was only half lying. Getting Kai out of here called for desperate measures.

"Promise? Now I know you're lying to me." There was warning in his voice.

"They found a way to bring the Geor demon." Bonnie recapped, probably unnecessarily.

She knew Kai somehow got the low down about goings on in Mystic Falls. "We – without your help – defeated them. I'm taking a break to figure out some things on my own. I'm not focused on the heretics." She said.

"So you're just stopping by at Damon's to have him stare at you while you fail finishing crossword puzzles?"

She was tired of this line of questioning. "It's really none of your business why I stopped by a friend's place."

If she moved forward she'd have to pass him to get to the front door. It'd maybe be easier to get him to leave.

"You can't be this upset with me over what happened. Mm. I know what's throwing you off." Kai snapped his fingers. "We usually don't meet during the day."

She honestly didn't think he meant it to sound like that, but his tone suggested that they were doing something else entirely that didn't involve hauling attack spells at each other.

"Look, it's not the best time right now." She said. "If you wanted to ask me what I'm doing with the heretics, I told you I'm not doing anything-"

"Maybe I wanted to also tell you what I was doing. Since in last few weeks I was talking about these education classes I was looking into and then you yelled at me to do something and not just talk about it. I was thinking about getting a pair of glasses so I can, you know, hold and put in my mouth while I'm talking, practice looking smarter for when I'm a teacher. OK, stop huffing. I did do something. I went – online is it? Looked at some education programs."

"Schools on the west coast I'd hope?"

Kai chuckled. "Nah. University of Virginia seemed to have a good program. But I think I'm gonna start with some intro classes first just to see if it's the right fit. There's a college nearby I heard some things about. You may have heard of it." She rubbed her face and he mimicked the motion.

Kai, a teacher. He was actually serious about this absurd idea. Each time he brought it up it still sounded ludicrous. Not that he hadn't taught her anything, and this she would deny until the sun died out.

"You think people are stupid."

"Not all of them."

"You have the exact opposite of the peoples' skills teachers need."

"I wasn't going for the favorite teacher award. I really think that I could give something back." Kai erupted in laughter. "OK OK. Look, I'm gonna go with adults first if that's what you're worried about. I did think about what you said."

Kai was ignoring Bonnie's wordless plea and was still inching closer to her, sliding his hands in his pockets. Bonnie barely held herself back from stepping backwards, away, in any direction opposite of his, as the tension in her body kept rising with each step he took.

"I told you you'd be better working alone, away from people, not fielding questions and questions you find too inane to be answered."

"So you're actually looking out for me in this scenario?"

An unwelcome thought settled in her mind, of what he'd wear as a teacher. She imagined him in a suit for some reason. He'd be too cold to be chummy with his students. But a teacher didn't have to be friends with his students. Just not torture or harm them.

"It's just a few classes." He said. "And people are much more relatable now. I was relating so hard to this woman I ate this morning. She was going on and on about all the chores she needed to do. I totally know what she means."

"You still kill people." She said, him proving her point.

"Yeah, like your other friends occasionally do." He snipped. He lifted his head. "You don't take any education classes, do you?"

He stopped in front of her.

"I'm not taking any classes."

"Hmm. I guess you're working all those shifts at the Grille."

He'd know. He'd know cause he'd stop by. He'd keep to himself but usually strike up a conversation with someone. Sometimes a woman. It was hard to explain but she felt like he was trying to practice to be human. For a moment she had thought he was trying to get a reaction out of her but he'd usually pay her little attention when he was chatting with someone of the opposite sex. It annoyed her to see him with someone else for some reason. Whenever he got too close to anyone, not just a woman (and with a woman it was just more likely) she had to watch out he behaved himself. Just to make sure no one got killed. That's all.

She actually missed school a little but getting back to the rhythm after returning from 1994 proved harder than she thought. When Matt told her there was an opening the need for money was stronger than appeal of taking a loan for a future she couldn't picture. It was nice having superficial relationships with people. Simple, help them get fed and out they went. Customer service tested her like nothing else. But it taught her how to put on a blank face even when she was about to combust inside.

"Maybe you should stick around. Keep an eye on me. Weren't you taking a botany class?"

"Dropped it. Morning class was too hard to keep." She couldn't believe he remembered that. She wasn't sure he was paying attention when she brought it up.

Over the past month she almost saw him a couple of times a week. Initially avoiding him after the disastrous joint confrontation with the heretics. She wasn't close to Sophia but she felt for Enzo. She was actually disappointed in herself that she had underestimated the heretic's strengths. Overestimated her ability to trust the right people.

She couldn't remember anymore who made the first move. She knew that it was harder than she thought not to see him. She missed battling him. It was starting to get cooler so it was easier to hide bruises. She knew he ended up with as many injuries with the only difference that he healed quicker. Somehow she was sure that that he didn't want the bruises to disappear so fast.

She was supposed to stay away from him. Not get closer. But she was drifting from her friends. She was practicing magic and it was making her feel lonelier.

That's when she found some quiet and comfort. In the pain that Kai gave her and better the pain that she gave him. And he still came back. No matter what she threw at him.  _How much could I throw at him before he wouldn't come back?_  Would she test it? She genuinely wasn't sure.

"So where are we headed Bonnie? I miss our fights." He echoed her thoughts and made a face too similar to pouting. A part of her ached to respond to his warmth but instead she followed his arm's movement and saw he was thumbing the glass she had left on the side table. She lifted her face to his.

Body parts touching, that's where all this was heading, an unbidden thought circled behind her eyes. Coldness spread through her. But she knew it. She suspected she knew it more clearly than Kai knew did. Too many fights ended with their hands on each other, not only aiming to injure or ripple pain through the other, but just exploring. Studying each other. The energy was becoming more and more dense. That was the reason she was trying, desperately trying, to avoid bumping into him. The energy was becoming more urgent. She sensed how he was becoming more at ease with her. Much too at ease.

"How come I haven't seen you lately?" He asked again when she didn't respond.

"Our magic shows were getting a little old." She half lied. "I think we taught each other what we needed, don't you?"

"A little." She had actually expected him to respond with a quick no. "But tell me the truth. I got under your skin."

"You didn't get under anything." She bristled again but this time stepped closer to him. She regretted it a moment later, seeing his face warm up slightly at her approach, but she refused to back down.

She managed to hold his gaze and he didn't have to say, "don't you want me to?" because it was written all over his face in how he tilted his face lower to hers and smiled to her with wolf eyes. She lowered her eyes to his hands, no longer on her glass, now lying beside it. She returned her gaze to him and saw his had followed hers to his hands as well. Her legs were begging her to move and get out. But she couldn't leave. Like she didn't get her fix yet.

When two people were attracted they inevitably found themselves in the same room. Same alleyway. Physical pull.  _That's all this was._ It was just so powerful it could deceive her that something else was going on too. Tension eased to a degree while they fought but at the same time it fed something she couldn't put away.

Kai came even closer so that she was just about to move her head back so not to hit his chest, only to take a step back, turn, and walk towards the bar. As he walked away she actually considered just walking out and leaving, even without having any vamp speed. She didn't want to be in the same room as him. She didn't like this feeling.  _ _Don't leave.__

"You're just angry that I didn't feed on you like you wanted." He said. "Weren't we already passed that Bonster?" He came back with the glass and sat down on the couch facing her. Watching him savor the taste made her want to finish hers but she didn't want to pick her glass up after Kai had molested it.

Her skin rattled. They didn't really talk about his occasional drinking of her blood and she didn't want to think about it. It usually wasn't planned. But just about when she stopped seeing him she did ask him to feed on her, on some really weird whim. She wasn't even trying to trick him. Just wanted to feel it. And bizarrely he declined.

The sounds he made when he did. The sickening comfort she took in feeling needed. The risk she took in letting him do it. How it made him connect to her. She didn't need one more thread to him and knew each time he had fed on her he got closer to her.

They were actually stumbling around a conversation here and without the mutual injuries it felt altogether foreign. She much preferred they'd also beat each other up. But she didn't feel good about starting something inside the boarding house and she didn't want to take him somewhere else.

"Maybe there's something I can tell you." He looked at his glass as he swirled his drink around before taking another sip. "Maybe you can tell me something and I can tell you something. Like you tell me what's actually happening with the heretics and I tell you how your buddies can get their mom back."

He could get bent but he got her attention. Getting Lily back may help put a lid on the heretics. Bonnie didn't know exactly what happened. Lily and one of the heretics had a falling out. Lily didn't seem to her like any kind of pushover but she had disappeared without a trace and with that the heretics seem to lose even more control. Maybe Lily could be useful. And though they were loathe to show it, Bonnie felt Stefan and Damon wanted their mom back.

Those heretics helped band the group together.

Disgruntled, Bonnie walked a few steps and sat down at the end of the couch farthest away from Kai.

"What is it?" She asked.

He sipped on his drink. "You need to sit a little closer." He patted the space next to him. Bonnie raised an eyebrow. "I can't hear you from there."

"Be happy I'm in the same room as you."

"I'm thrilled."

She groaned and pulled her body closer to him, this time ending up with her knees on the couch and her feet tucked under her butt.

Kai tapped his lap and put his drink on the side table.

"No." She said. She would feign a shocked face if she hadn't sat on his lap before. Too many times.

"OK." He said, pulled his shoulders up for a second and stared at her blankly.

She rubbed her forehead. She was despairingly trying to make this all stop and he wasn't helping. At least, though, he didn't spell out his attraction and he spelled out every stray thought. She felt it, though, when he pulled her closer to him and when his hands found her legs or her hands when she sat in his lap. The words he held back so she could pretend. He was just flirting, he was just trying to learn how to be around people like he did with the women he sat with at the bar.  _He better not do this with them_ , a violent and unfair thought thundered through her. He wasn't hers.

Bonnie gritted her teeth and scooted closer to him, pushing aside just how much she wanted to give in. The moment she saw him, the first moment they touched, the tension subsided before growing tenfold. For that millisecond when tension washed away she felt peace.

"Just tell me." She narrowed her eyes.

"Sorry, I don't remember what we were talking about," Kai said and looked at his nails.

"Why are you such a bastard?" Bonnie huffed.

"Why don't you want help?"

"Because I don't-"

"Yes, yes, the girl who never needed help from anyone, least of all her enemies." Kai slowed his speech at his next sentence as he looked at her coldly. "Even if it means your dear old friends could die."

She slid her legs from under her butt and edged closer. Eyeing him she lifted her legs over his lap and lowered them so her her thighs were over his lap. She felt her heartbeat run faster and knew he could sense it and tried to breathe more deeply. _I'd never want to say I'm scared of him but of course I'd be nervous. Wouldn't I have reason to feel that way, even if I knew I was strong, if someone had attacked me or people I cared about countless times?_

"You're almost there." He said.

This was ridiculous. She splayed her hand on the inside back of the couch, not far from his face, as she lifted herself onto his lap, her legs pressed against the edge of it. She only turned her head to face him, moving to sit almost precariously on his thighs.

"This isn't what I envisioned." He moved his thighs for her to fit better on him, she guessed, and she resisted her heart beating out of control.

"Don't worry." He said. "I won't ask you what you want for Christmas."

Bonnie sucked in a blush for how obscene that line sounded in her ears. How did he do that? It wasn't clear if he could help how he oozed sensuality in his movements, in how he spoke. It was unsettling.

"Come on, Bonnie, it's been months of meeting in alleyways, that picnic we had-"

"You interrupted the founder's picnic. I stopped you from eating the guests."

She sensed his voice was exasperated at her reticence to be near him like she had no reasons to feel that way.

"I wouldn't have eaten all of them. And I did stop. And after that, we enjoyed the picnic."

"That's really not how I remember it." Bonnie rubbed her forehead. She was forced again to keep her balance as he moved his thighs, in an effort she was sure to make her hold onto him to steady herself. Instead she put her hand beside his arm.

"OK, I'll be honest, I knew you were around and I knew that's how I could get you to talk to me. And it worked right?"

"You were there first, gnawing on someone's neck when I stopped by." She was raising her voice at this point and what was she expecting, a vampire to behave himself, Kai to behave himself? Why was she holding him to a higher level of than she did with her vampire friends?

Cause he had destroyed so much of people she knew or cared about if not directly than indirectly.  _Yeah. Didn't Damon kill and turn my mom? Haven't my friends hurt me?_ She edged out the thoughts from her mind.

"Snacking." Kai said as Bonnie shook her head to reject his correction.

"I knew you were coming." Kai said. "I saw your stupid friends there. I had to do something to pass the time. I was hungry. Had to lure him away too, before your friends could notice. Does no one think about me at times like that?"

He moved his thighs again, causing her to shift in discomfort. "I can't talk to you like this." He said.

"Will you stop whining?" She was the one trying to balance herself on him. "I'm sitting on your lap." It wasn't how she usually sat on him but it needed to be enough.

"It never feels like this with them," She heard him mumble.

"What?"

He shook his head.

"You really prefer that I wasn't here trying to help you?" He asked.

"No. I still think the world would be better if you weren't here." She lashed at him.

"How often do we have to talk about that? You don't even really mean it." Bonnie heard a little uncertainty in his voice.

She didn't know if she'd be better off. She'd definitely see more peace.

"I'd see more peace if all vampires were gone." She said, maybe to soften the harshness of her last words to him. She despised him but he had gotten closer to her. Such a treacherous statement against her friends wasn't like her. Caroline didn't choose to be a vampire and they were friends first. But she felt peace before Damon and Stefan entered her and her friends' lives. She'd still have her mom even though it was never easy between them. Her dad.  _ _Grams__. Elena.  _ _Elena had her own distractions.__

"Guess you haven't gotten around to killing me then." Kai said.

She shook her head, frustrated at their tangents. She didn't know the reason she wasn't killing Kai. She got close to it, several times, in several fights. Turned out that was right when she told him months ago that she couldn't get rid of him.

She got up in a swift motion and sat back down, straddling him, steadying herself by placing her left arm beside his shoulder, tucking her feet under her. Choosing quickly to keep some distance from his pelvic area.

"This is as good as you're going to get." She said, trying not to see Kai's eyes darken as he took her in in her new position.

"This isn't going to turn into some confession session." She warned him and herself as she pulled her hand back from the back of the couch. Regrettably that was what this position meant. Eerily close to what she imagined happened in therapy. Without the straddling.

She needed to see someone. Someone far outside of her circle. Her friends were too close and she couldn't tell them about this with Kai. She needed to find a way to heal. She wanted to heal. With him she couldn't. She couldn't because it wouldn't make sense.

How did she find herself on his lap again?  _ _You know.__ Bonnie shifted in her place.  _ _This was only heat.__ Heat she couldn't control and what was the harm in giving into it a little, she thought, as she fought her body being pulled into his. Attraction was a powerful feeling.  _ _It__ _ _was something more. No it wasn't. It really wasn't.__

Kai smiled and her lips tugged to mirror his expression because he looked younger suddenly. Content. His shoulders relaxed a little and his expression became a little softer. She suddenly thought of him as a cat. He was effectively purring at her.

"Hardly. I didn't even make any comments about lap dances. Until now," He kept smiling.

Even his flippant comment wasn't enough to distract her from remembering what sitting on his lap meant. It was during these moments that for a change Kai stopped talking. She'd share a piece of herself, the thought later burning through her chest that she had felt for a piece of herself and handed it to her enemy. At first the only way Kai could get her to say anything was through pain. She could be at the verge of passing out and he would push her a little further. Somehow sharing anything of herself felt more painful than the physical pain.

Only one time was she able to really talk more. Long enough to let go of her misery and draw out the poison so it finally convulsed outside of her. Enough to want him, of everyone, to comfort her, that her body cried out for him to hug her. That response was alarming enough that she incinerated his insides. She didn't see him for weeks after that. And when she saw him again they spoke nothing of it.

When she'd confess to him she could barely look at his eyes but when she did she'd sometimes see a spark of understanding. When she saw that she thought she could ask him for comfort and he wouldn't want to give her anything else.

They were gentler when she sat on his lap. The violence didn't stop completely. It was easier for her to be violent when she was vulnerable for self protection. But when she was vulnerable she didn't like hurting him too deeply. She didn't have a need for it. She was easily violent around it though.

"We should do all of our negotiations like this." He drew his hand to her waist and she slapped it away. His eyes filled with exasperation.

"Don't you get tired of these games?" She asked, unsure what she was asking.

"Don't you?" He asked her back and she heard another layer to his question. She asked for it.

That fight they had, when she tried to get him to drink. Of course she had a plan. She tried to play him. Still she also wanted to feel again what she felt when he had fed on her before. It felt like getting drunk, like what she imagined bungee jumping to feel like. He needed it. He needed her.

"Where's Lily?" She asked.

"I shouldn't say in my basement cause you'd believe me. Guess I just did." He smiled.

"She's not."

"You don't think so?"

"No way you'd keep that a secret." She crossed her arms. "You've needed other people or vampires for almost all your schemes. You'd let someone in the group in if you did something like this. You meddle."

He made a face and she realized he was forcing down a smile.

"OK, she's not." He said. "But I know where she is. Like I know that you have your hands in something to do with taking down the heretics. Even if it's just your friends asking for your witchy hands. A meddler knows a meddler."

Bonnie held back. He needed to give her something more about Lily before she'd say anything.

"You know," he said, not seeming to mind a chance to keep talking to her. "I'm still getting used to being a vampire but it's like I can understand them better now. Damon still sucks of course. I haven't lost my mind or anything. Do you realize I got the whole experience, human witch, then magic vampire. With feelings. That I didn't ask for." He laughed to himself. "It was worth it. Maybe I'm supposed to experiment through all these supernatural beings. Think I could become a werewolf too? Haven't read much about them still. Hm. Would suck to be a ghost wouldn't it? Especially if I can't touch anything. Or  _ _taste__." His eyes shot open at the words. "Did you ever wonder which sense would be the hardest to give up?"

She covered her face with her hand. She could see he was in his chatty mood and horrifically she was finding it charming.

"Music feels too good for me to want to give up hearing." He put his hand on her thigh. "Can't imagine not feeling that." She gave him a hard look and he moved his hand.

"Can't do anything easily without sight, although I'm sure I'd rock it. Smell is everyone's go-to but it's such a big part of taste. And, before, if I couldn't touch how could I have magic? How could I merge? So before the merge, I figured that without sight I'd make up for all the other senses. Now I imagine I couldn't give up touch. Or I dunno, something happens and you just don't want to give up any of your senses. There's too much light."

Bonnie's throat was dry as she read between Kai's words and saw the vulnerability in his face. "You like being a heretic?" She covered. "You don't miss being human?"

"Let's see, what did I miss more, being stuck alone in a prison or what came before?" He asked. "Or," he paused, "do I want limitless time to figure out what I want. Barring decapitation and a couple of other things, I put the cheat sheet somewhere. Anyway, I don't want to regret. Regretting never got me anything that I needed or wanted." His eyes were blank.

"Did taking what you want get you what you needed?" Bonnie narrowed her eyes.

"Not yet. But I don't let small hurdles get in my way there." He widened the gap in his thighs and she intuitively fell forward and held on to his arms. She was inches from his face and she could see him move even closer to her, cover her mouth with his, but he just sat there. She had to take a moment to steady herself and move back. She didn't like at all when he look hungrily at her like that. Didn't like either when subtext nearly crossed over to text.

He grabbed her hand before she moved it away and her heart skipped a few beats as he intertwined his hand in it.

"Stop it," She said, trying to pull her hand back.

"What do you prefer, Bon?" He asked and pulled at her waist with his other hand just as she considered getting off him. "Do you prefer the pain?"

He kept her hand in the same position but Bonnie felt as if he was twisting it and she cried out.

"Is that what will get me there?"

It was surreal to look at her hand, no change to its shape or color but know that all she felt was soaring pain through its entire small size.

The glass behind her broke.

"That was you." He said, not taking his eyes off her.

Bits of glass flew right into his hand, deftly missing hers and curled into his skin. He sucked his bottom lip in.

"That was me too." She said. "I'm not the sucker for the pain. You are."

The side table beside them came crashing down as if a bowling ball dropped on it.

"That was off limits." She snapped.

"You broke his glass." He smiled.

"That's not the same."

"You'd really rather I'd break you?" He asked her dubiously but with excitement at the challenge.

Bonnie grimaced as her breathe was sucked out of her. He was pulling on her legs with his hands but using magic to cramp both her lower legs and she couldn't breathe.

"I can still feel the glass in my blood." He said.

Through the waves of pain she registered Kai was closer, that his lips were over her neck. Her body stiffened as she wondered if Kai was going to bite her. He whetted her neck with his tongue, savoring her like she saw him favor food at the Grill. When he ate in front of her at the cafe all those months ago. He started kissing the spot, and went lower, nearing her shoulder. This was worse than biting. Bonnie felt her body respond.  _ _What's this? I like this. Even if I shouldn't.__ _ _I want more.__  She didn't want the pain in her legs. But it somehow canceled out the wrongness of what Kai was doing with his mouth.

Kai was looking at her, she realized. She had closed her eyes while he kissed her neck. He was looking at her with curiosity. He was looking at her- and she chanted a spell and his head flanked back on the couch. He let out a restrained cry.

"You like this? Don't you?" She asked. He closed his eyes. She put her hand on his neck, not squeezing, just feeling him.

The pain in her legs swelled, then lessened. She had to focus a lot on this spell to keep him in place. She channeled her witch friend, hoping but not caring too much that the latter needed it. The two witches used each other to channel magic and Bonnie needed something strong to match up to Kai's unnatural ability to regenerate his own magic. She knew he wasn't working with someone else. She could guess. He was all so powerful but with another witch Bonnie's strength grew tenfold.

Without him babbling she could focus on his smell. He smelled clean and male and musky at the same time. Or was the muskiness her? She brought her mouth to his neck and ran a tongue from the bottom to his chin, going back to suck on his skin, moving upwards. He didn't need to breathe, she justified her actions, as she heard him make choking sounds. She did want to hurt him but not like this. He had just hurt her. The pain and sweetness. A ruthless seduction. Who was seducing who, it wasn't clear.

She knew what he was feeling. She knew what the constriction in his throat felt like. But he'd only be extremely uncomfortable. He wouldn't die from this. This would only be permanent if she removed the tissues from his neck and severed them. She moved to the other side of his neck, alternating between licking and kissing him.

He couldn't breathe through her kisses. Maybe he'd pass out, she thought, maybe then she could touch him freely.  _What am I thinking?_ Coldness wrapped her body.  _What is happening to me?_ She couldn't savor the moment with him without the pain. Maybe he was right.

She hated herself. She hated she was doing this and that she liked it. Liked knowing she could hurt someone who hurt her. It was just harmless, she told herself again, licking him like he was ice cream. It wasn't like she was licking other parts of him against his will.  _It's not like I want to touch more of him._  Her body betrayed her as it responded  _yes I want it. I want it all._

The noises come out of his throat were distracting her.

She stopped the spell and Kai cleared his voice, raising his head from the coach and looked at her, his eyes gleaming with anger. She thought her heart would strangle her throat so she didn't need to breathe.

She stayed in her position as he moved his face to her, following her lips. She instinctively moved her head back and his eyes flew to hers. Once that line was crossed she wasn't going to be able to go back.

He wasn't going to stop searching for her lips. He grabbed her chin with his hand and held her in place, hesitating for a moment, meeting her eyes again. Her eyes were already on his lips when he met her mouth with his.

His lips were soft on hers. She kissed him back and the kiss grew furious, desperate, filled with longing. Made up for time lost and the thought scared her. She pulled back to take a deep breathe because she wasn't breathing and he was kissing her and he wasn't stopping and she didn't want it to stop. He still held her, their lips and and faces the only parts of them moving. She opened her mouth and he didn't hesitate and their tongues met tasting each other.

"I disagree, I like this much better." He said, his hand sliding up her back, before putting his tongue in her mouth again.

She pulled her mouth back. "You just like the attention." He nodded but she saw how lost he was in her as he hurried back to her mouth, not letting her stop their kiss.

She moved up from his lap and stepped to the floor, crouching down, and he followed her, not breaking the kiss, his fingers chasing her face. He kept kissing her as she sat on the carpet and moved backwards on her hands and legs, him following her blindly, his only focus on keeping his hands on her. She wasn't sure where she was taking him.

"Is this why you haven't killed me?" He asked her between hot kisses. "You were looking for this?"

Her mouth's movement on his was her only response.

"Or is it that you've really forgiven me?" He kissed her harder.

Her back hit the couch opposite where they started kissing. A poor attempt at escape but maybe she wanted to see if he'd follow her.

Bonnie grimaced and bit his lip and he mumbled something. He had asked this question before. Sometimes it physically hurt to tell him no. That wasn't even the right question. The question was what was he going to do to earn her friendship. To earn a relationship. Even if she didn't want that and didn't want him. As for what she needed to earn him – the thought meant admitting something she wasn't ready to admit.

"You're a monster," she panted, her hands were in his hair, on his neck, now alive with motion.

"I know." He groaned at her.

"I don't know what I'm doing." She moved her hands to his arms, feeling the muscles underneath. "I need someone who knows how to be gentle too." She had much more to say but she just wanted to kiss him. She couldn't stop to think about everything he did, she couldn't stop to think about everything he was responsible for.  _ _I've seen his kindness too.__

"I can be gentle," he nuzzled her cheek and came back to her mouth. Always came back to her mouth.

He put both his hands on her hands, squeezing them. His chest was closing in on her and her instinct was still to pull away. To have him chase her. She started pushing herself off her hands, lifting herself off the carpet onto the couch, when Kai pressed his hands over hers.

"Can you?" She mumbled as his mouth descended back on hers.

She slipped her hands under his and started again to climb up to the seat cushion and Kai ground his body into hers, Bonnie only making it halfway up, her lower back caught in the air. Kai moaned into her ear, lifting her hips to his, hovering above her.

She should be enjoying every second since this wasn't going to happen again. She was losing her mind but she knew better than to lose it inside this chaos with Kai.

He lifted her shirt and she felt his breathe on her waist. She felt the tingling sensation before her mind clicked that he was leaving butterfly kisses on her abdomen. A new sensation she hadn't felt before spread in waves over her stomach, each kiss lighting a firefly behind, floating in her stomach.

She couldn't imagine it was comfortable for him the way he bended over her. But she didn't want to stop him, it felt so good. The pleasure grew and she felt herself lose control.

"OK." She said, threading her hand through his hair. "That's enough."

"Not yet," he said, not lifting his face, before returning to leave light kisses on her stomach. Bonnie closed her eyes. Her body responded to him so easily, that every move he was making was sensual, was sending pleasure through any surface of her skin.

He finally lifted himself from her abdomen and she pulled herself up, him following, pulling his neck to her. Her legs wrapped around him, her back against the couch and he grinded into her.

His chest was so close to her all she could do was move her hands on his back. This was quickly going farther than she wanted but her body needed this. She needed him.

"Tell me I can't be gentle Bonnie," He rolled his hips into her. She whined.

"Huh?" He asked, as if she had it in her to answer him at that moment, and pushed into her again. He intertwined his fingers in hers again and she wasn't sure if it was to stop himself from touching her or from her touching him. Like it'd be too much if she touched him.

He pulled away from her and they both breathed hard against each other. She closed her eyes, trying to control her thoughts. Reminding herself it was her. Her whose skin was on fire, who desperately needed to be closer to him.

He pushed himself into her again and this time she tried to push into him but he left her no space for that. When he pulled his chest back she put her hands under his shirt, wanting to feel him underneath. She watched him close his eyes and her fingers explored his chest. He kissed her chin and her mouth, then moved to take his shirt off when her mind cleared and she tugged back at it.

"Wait. Wait." She closed her eyes briefly. "I can't. I'm not ready for this yet. Not yet." She reached out for his hand. The words were painful to get out. She didn't say the last few words for his sake. It was for her.

He stared at her resolutely, lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "OK." He leaned to kiss her. "I can wait. For you I can wait," He moved them around so his back was to the couch and she hated how his words resonated with her, how they reminded her that he cared about her. That as much as he wanted to take he'd follow her lead. He held her hand with both of his and smiled at her this goofy smile that made her want to push him down.

She imagined she needed release nearly or as much as he did, her blood running through her veins, confounded at her stopping them. But when she wasn't ready she knew what it would change for them. Sex with him wouldn't just be a physical act and it wouldn't be just once. And for that she wasn't ready yet.

If he just kept the expression he had on right now, it was like when she was first getting to know him. When she didn't know his past. "You're not just a monster. You're not a monster. If you were I wouldn't-" She bit her lip. He raised his eyebrows at her.

"You said you made mistakes." She said, referring to a recent conversation they had about the violence in his past.

"I said that to stay in your pants."

"Kai." She exclaimed.

"I didn't say 'to get in your pants'. It's a step up Bon."

She felt temperature rising in her face as she ignored his words. "You regret killing your family."

"Who knows if it's me, Bonnie. Maybe it's Luke?"

"I'm trying to cut you a break. I'm trying to make sense of this. I can't l-" She rolled her tongue in her mouth, unable to finish her sentence.

"Lick a stamp? Lecture enough? Let it go?"

_Can't he be quiet?_  "I think about you. A lot." She said, unsure where she was getting her confidence. "And I can't do that if you're just this mustache twirling villain. That's not who you are."

"When do you think about me?" He smiled at her and her heart tugged at how a few words brought joy to his face like a little boy getting dessert.

_Oh no._ But she answered. "When I'm at work. When a customer or my boss says something obnoxious and I can hear you give them some smart response. When I feel like I can't take one more person wanting something from me and I think about—"  _This was hard._ "Telling you about it when I see you. What you'd think about it. How many words you'll use to say it."

"Really?"

"Unfortunately, yes." She nodded.

He kissed her again softly before pulling her face closer to him and he growled. She kissed him back and he pulled back, turning his face away from her and putting a hand in his mouth. Bonnie wasn't sure what he was doing until she heard him pierce his skin. Kai kept his face turned away. She pulled at his hand, fighting his resistance, and pulled harder. He looked at her with black eyes as she took his hand in her mouth and lapped at the blood before putting her lips on his punctured wounds, lapping her tongue over it and sucking the blood. She heard his breathe hitch.

"Bonnie," he said one octave lower.

Bonnie removed her mouth and pushed her hair away from her neck.

"Will you be able to stop?" She asked.

"I don't know." He sucked in a breathe. "Yes."

"You better or I'll hurt you. From the beyond." She teased.

"That's not funny."

As much as she felt he had wanted to kill her he never could stand her joking about it. He remained motionless and she nodded at him her permission.

He caressed his thumb over her cheek with one hand as he slowly brought his face to her neck. Bonnie held her breathe as he kissed her skin and she recognized now the same softness he used when he kissed her stomach. As she was remembering how incredible he felt kissing her her abdomen she felt his teeth burrow in her skin. She moaned, surprising herself, and heard him return it. It shuddered deeply inside her.

She heard him swallow her blood and that part always irked her, to hear someone gulp her down. He was doing it too fast.

"Kai. Kai I need more." She said hoarsely when he didn't stop. Kai moved away from her neck, bit his hand and lifted his hand to her mouth, feeding it to her, returning to her neck barely moments later, groaning again.

She sucked in his blood, feeling the beginning of the high she felt after they did this. She felt him draw himself away from her, kissing the spot. Doing this felt different now. It had a different meaning.

Kai's features seemed more relaxed.

"Does that feel better?" She asked him, hearing coyness in her voice.

He nodded and said "no." He laughed and she mirrored it. He held onto her waist, previously forbidden territory, marveling in her letting him do it.

"It feels super good. It's just harder. The blood." He said. "It's never enough. When it's your blood it's even harder to stop." He licked his lips. "It's harder to control. I can control it. I didn't expect you'd invite me. You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to."

"You trusted me to stop?" He raised his eyebrows.

"You have before." She leaned forward a little. "I knew you'd make sure not to turn me."

"No?" A smile crept to his face.

Bonnie leaned back and shook her head. "You told me once how much you like how warm my skin is." She looked down, suddenly feeling his gaze to be too intense.

"That's not the only reason. We're on a completely deserted island, our survival chances plummet if you're also a vampire." He tilted his head. "That's why you drank my blood first."

She nodded. "See, you need my blood." She said.

"I need so much more from you." He kissed her, letting her sit with what his words meant.

"You should know. I'm not going to give up on bringing Elena back." She said. In the past few months she almost thought it was a gift Elena was tucked away.. She didn't have to worry about her then. Didn't have to risk her safety for her. But she was selfish and she wanted her friend back. Maybe that selfishness would keep her own self safer.

"You said that you were moving on, Bon."

"I did. But you know me better than that. I'm not giving up on someone I care about. That's what we do."

"Bonnie, I sealed that spell with the kind of power and circumstance that I don't even know if I could go back if I tried."

Every time she'd look at him, she'd remember what he took from her. She didn't want to grow increasingly resentful of him.

"So that's why you're doing this." His features grew hard. "Because you think I'll give you Elena back."

"Well yeah. You're just a bonus." Laughter was in her eyes. He looked down and she flashed to how he looked when she told him she'd never enjoy his company.

"Kai." She lifted his chin. "I wouldn't go through all of this for someone else. So if I'm not here because of a spell you put on me- this is real. But I'm not going to pretend that I don't want one of my best friends back."

Kai nodded and started to speak when the front door opened and Bonnie bounced off his lap, falling on the carpet. That's what she needed as she heard their voices, a Salvatore brother to find her sitting on Kai's lap. She needed time to get used to the idea herself. The pain in her elbows thudded.

In quick vampire motion Kai sped up close to Bonnie, crouching down his tiptoes. He pressed one hand on her arm as Bonnie's head shot to the voices getting closer to the door. "You OK?" He asked.

Bonnie nodded, still taken aback at Kai's softness.

"What about now?" He squeezed her arm too hard and she held in a yelp.

"Stop trying to get me to scream so they know you're in here." She whispered and put her finger against his chest. She heard the boys at it and though they had super hearing she hoped they were distracted in their gloom too much to hear them.

"I can stay if you want." He said.

"No. You need to go."

There would be no doubt, with both of their faces flustered, what was going on. She wasn't ready to see her friends like that.

"When am I seeing you?" He asked. Her eyes flicked between the door and him. "I'm not leaving til you tell me."

"Uh- tomorrow. Tomorrow." She said with little hesitation, unsure what part of her answered.

Kai's face brightened as much as when he asked her when she thought of him. He made to leave and she grabbed his arm.

"I mean, it may not be tomorrow, I don't know. But this week." That she had no doubt about.

He responded to the certainty in her tone with a smile that was somehow both sheepish and hungry, kissed her on her nose and winked. Just as quickly he was gone.

_You'll come to me. And you'll ask me to give you relief._

Her body buzzed and she knew that she'd have to work hard to put a show for Damon and Stefan that she wasn't affected. That same body knew that she'd find herself in his orbit again. The gentleness and the pain. Which one did she want to choose.  _I need him. I don't. What part of me needs him I'm not even sure._ She could talk to him like she couldn't talk to anyone. She had power over him like she didn't have over anyone else.

She moved her hand over the empty stand by the couch. The broken pieces remained still. That jerk. He put a blocking spell on it so she couldn't fix it. She smiled. She was going to hurt him for that, she thought, but didn't feel perturbed she'd need to explain what happened in a few seconds. She quickly scanned the couch for blood and found none.

He belonged to her, she thought, as Damon stepped in the room. She couldn't put all in words what she felt for him, but her heart nearly hit her throat at the thought of seeing him again.

Maybe she would see him tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> avidreader70: Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. Tension in Bonkai fics is so much fun to write.
> 
> 862euv: Thank you! I much appreciated your comments. The timing of your review gave me push I needed to keep writing. :)
> 
> 5/31/2018 Light editing for clarity and wording.


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